The last few days, I’ve shared a draft story, along with my fourth graders’ responses to it.
Today, I’ve got my revisions ready to go. The biggest changes I’ve made:
- I’ve given more background about the dogs
- I’ve cleaned up the punctuation and language to be more clear.
- I’ve tried to be more descriptive and articulate about setting.
- I’ve tried add more humor to the scene where Ralph distracts the dogs, so they can look more comical and ridiculous.
Once upon a time there was a family of squirrels. They lived in the black walnut tree nestled at the corner of a backyard of a house on Sycamore Lane. Ralph, Mabel, and Josephine lived together without much trouble. Of course, there were blackbirds and bluejays who would sometimes tease them from the oak tree across the yard, but usually they lived a life that was free and easy. That was, unless they had to worry about Lilah and Winnie. But that, my friend, is for later in the story.
One fall morning, Ralph looked down at the backyard and saw, to his surprise, that the oak tree on the other side of the lawn had dropped all of its acorns. Acorns! Big, crunchy, sweet acorns – a squirrel’s favorite!
Ralph shouted, “Mabel! Josephine! Look! Acorns!” The three of them, excited for a delicious morning meal, scampered down the tree. Just before they got to the ground, they stopped short.
“Go GET ‘EM!” they heard.
“Grrrr! Woof!” They didn’t have to look to know it was Lilah and Winnie, the dogs who lived at the house. Lilah and Winnie must have seen the squirrels while keeping watch at the back door. Their human had just let them outside, and now they were barreling towards the squirrel trio.
“Abort mission!” cried Josephine. “Get back up the tree!” They turned around and scurried up the tree just in time to escape the jaws of the barking dogs.
“That was a close one,” sighed Ralph.
“Agreed,” echoed Josephine. “You’d figure dogs with such cute names might be a little nicer to the wildlife, but noooo. Of course not,” she continued, shaking her head.
The three hungry squirrels huddled in their nest. Ralph, Mabel and Josephine waited for what seemed like an eternity. Finally, Lilah and Winnie lost interest in the squirrels and began sniffing their way around the yard and back inside.
Josephine looked over the side of the nest and inspected the yard. “Well, the dogs have gone back inside. Looks like we’re safe to try again!”
Ralph, Josephine, and Mabel gathered up their courage again. They made their way back down the black walnut tree, a bit more cautiously this time. Just as they were about to place their little front paws down on the ground, they heard the back door click open and a human shout, “Go GET ‘em, Winnie! Go GET ‘em, Lilah!”
The dogs bounded out the back door and into the yard once again. The squirrels barely had enough time to turn around. They could feel the dogs’ hot breath on their tails as they ran back up the tree for the second time. It took a while for their little hearts to stop beating so quickly, but eventually they calmed down.
Ralph shrugged. “Well, that was a fail.”
Josephine said, “Darn! I wish we could have those acorns! I can smell them from here. I guess there’s just no way we’ll get those acorns with those dogs around.”
“I suppose we’ll have to raid the bird feeder again,” agreed Ralph.
Just then, Mabel, who had been quiet through all of this, perked up. She said, “Maybe we can’t run free around the yard, but maybe there is a way we can get acorns after all.”
“Really?” Ralph questioned doubtfully.
“Maybe,” Mabel explained, “Maybe we have to beat the dogs at their own game.”
The next few minutes were a series of whispers and giggles as Mabel explained her plan to the other squirrels.
Later that morning, Ralph made his way to a fencepost along the side of the house, the one that sat right across from a big picture window. Mabel had known it was Lilah and Winnie’s favorite place to watch and bark at the world outside. She also knew the dogs couldn’t get out from that side. So Ralph was ready for his part of the plan. He looked straight at the dogs. He wiggled his tail. He waggled his ears. He hopped about back and forth.
Lilah and Winnie, ever on watch, leapt at the window and started barking furiously. Reader, have you ever seen a dog go bananas? It’s pretty scary if you’re on the same side of the door. But it’s pretty funny if you’re not. And Ralph? He was on the other side of the door.
He wasn’t afraid! He kept looking those dogs straight in the eye. He kept wiggling. He kept waggling. He kept hopping. And the dogs went even more bananas! He could hear the human yell at them. “LILAH! WINNIE! Stop your barking this INSTANT!”
Ralph heard the dogs whining and chuckled to himself. He almost felt sorry for them.
Meanwhile, Josephine and Mabel took advantage of the distraction. They headed down from their tree and grabbed as many acorns as they could carry back up to their nest. Back and forth they went for as long as they heard the dogs barking inside.
In time the dogs calmed down, and the house was quiet. Ralph hopped his way back along the fencepost, across the yard, and back to his family’s nest. There, he saw a mound of rich, delicious acorns.
“Mabel! Your plan saved the day!” shouted Ralph and Josephine.
“Aw, thanks,” beamed Mabel. “It was nothing. ”
Thanks, as always, for the Two Writing Teachers March Slice of Life Story Challenge. Check ’em out!
Soapbox: The Way I see Things 